ON SOBRIETY

I got sober on 6/24/2023.

I woke up on the floor of a restaurant where I had been dining alone at their bar. Around me was a small team of paramedics who assured me I had simply taken a little fall.

In reality, I was waking up from a grand mal seizure.

A seizure I provoked by daring to quit drinking for a mere 24 hours.

I was rushed to the hospital where doctors tried to analyze why a seemingly-healthy woman with no history of seizures might be suddenly ill. As I laid with nurses coming and going, I knew I should say something…anything. Something to tell them what was really going on. But, my embarrassment overwhelmed my logic and it wasn’t until I woke from my second seizure- a seizure that sent the IV rocketing from my arm and plummeted my teeth through my tongue that I decided to be forthcoming.

“I need to tell you that I drink. A lot. I drink every night.”

I was admitted for four days of detox in the hospital, which I only recall details of when my parents and husband remind me.

Mortified.

Lost.

Imposter.

Liar.

Fraud.

Hopeless.

Trash.

Lazy.

Disgusting.

This began a journey of such clarity— clarity had I known was possible, I would have never picked up a drink in my life.

I haven’t had a drink since this day, and I’ve done this in a less-than-conventional way — which was sheer willpower and partner support.

I didn’t seek treatment and I didn’t join AA for a sponsor. This has confused other friends and family in sobriety, as it “certainly isn’t enough. You need more resources.”

But, I need to explain something that is so real and so haunting, I cannot imagine a tool more powerful for me:

The promise of death.

“If you continue to drink like this, you WILL die.”

Say no more.

I didn’t want to die, and yet here I was killing myself.

I can attest to how beautiful my life has become since I stopped drinking. I have intention behind all of my actions that comes from the purest part of my soul. I am able to connect to others in ways I never thought possible. My art is so much more real, raw, and specific. My critical thinking skills sharpened.

Doors keep opening, because they are no longer jammed shut with haze of Jameson.

Think of all of the things I can accomplish now that I’m healthy!

“There is a spark to you I’ve never seen before…”

-SO many people

Your mental health is not your fault, but it is your responsibility.

If you need any support in getting sober, please don’t hesitate to reach out.

You are not defined by this disease, and once you find the help you need, you will find your spark.

You will be so powerful.

Unstoppable.

ALIVE.